CONCENTRATE PRISCILLAThat was what miss fong was screaming into my ears during my
FINAL lesson before
WEDNESDAY,
dooms day.
I seriously cldn concentrate, I also dunno why.
I can play my
scales ascending for 3 octaves, then suddenly, I will get stuck at the forth.
SO STUPID can. I can count and count my octaves and still play either short or extra one octave.
GIGA, my fingers felt as if they were like elephants, moving ever so slowly and clumsily. I tripped over notes, played ornaments like normal notes when they are supposed to be played faster. Miss fong said it was good articulation with inaccurate notes.
OCTOBRE, my fingers now played like ants, chords not strong enough for loudness and emphasis, and too light till as if the notes cnt be heard for the soft parts. Pedaling was disaster. Still too expressionless. All these after listening to the track for almost a million times.
JACK IN THE BOX was somehow more comforting, put my accents and speed was somehow still not up to standard.
I took like approx 3 min to play the
sight-reading piece, when it was supposed only to be approx 1 min, with all the wrong notes and stuff. GREAT. Not like I passed my sigh reading during my first attempt.
AURAL was hate. I seriously cnt pitch myself and sing those
damnit notes. I cnt rmb that few notes. I cnt keep with the tempo. I cnt identify the chords. I gave all crap answers.
I seriously hate this depressed demon in me. It is making me just watch day and night pass by staring at everything that zooms by me. I don feel like doing anything, thou I have TONNES to do. I always have the urge to cry, the urge to scream. Walking in the rain did nothing to help soothe that helplessness. Blasting music did nothing to help scare that demon out. I feel so useless. I hate myself for being such a lil green meanie. I hate myself for being a selfish friend. I wish I could gorge and not care about my fucking weight. I hate myself for just laughing at people when I myself is a worse replica than her. why not just say I HATE EVERY BIT OF ME!! My ambitiousness, my jealousness, my selfishness, my dumbness, my fatiness, EVERYTHING.I shall go immerse my broken soul in those pieces that I will screw on Wednesday. And stress myself and pull out all my hair while preparing for promos in sept, GRD8 prac in feb08, GRD8 theory in mar08.
you may not know it is your fault, or rather it is not even your fault but sometimes I just want to say I hate you to you, for causing me misery. Fine.i am pushing blame on you. Its all yourmy faultPls pray that I won fail it again, coz I won be able to take it and that will be the last you will see of me.
Disappearing into thin air is what I really want to do now.
